Early doors we got up and took the market boat back to the main land. Shared our boat with a man and his escaping rooster.

Sat underneath someones house, next to their tractor in their “office” waiting to buy a ticket to Siem Reap. We waited for a while then a man came down in his towel, asked where we were going then went for a shower. Love Laos, no hurry to make money. Eventually got a ticket and changed our remaining money into dollars. It just so happened that everything we had left, including the 500 we argued for for ages in the bank, came to an exact amount of dollars. So it was worth the fight.

Got to the border where we had to fork out the dollars to bribe the officials to take our temperature, give us a visa and get a departure card. Welcome to Cambodia! We did manage to barter the price down to stamp us out of laos though (from $2 to $1 each) which was a triumph as there were a lot of people on our bus. Peaceful protests attended=1.

Our next bus to Siem Reap was nice and comfortable but featured some Cambodians doing Karaoke at the front.

We are quick to admit that most British people can’t sing, but this was something else. Thankfully we stopped for lunch before Victoria found the medical kit and shoved needles into her eardrums. The place smelled a little funky and the food was pretty ropey but it did the job.

Back on the bus we broke down. Emotionally due to karaoke and physically due to burst tyres. While they changed it everyone huddled round the shade of a nearby tree.

Back on the bus we broke down again. Same situation, tree shade while the driver climbed underneath with a knife and a piece of spare rubber to fix what ever it was that was wrong. We all had complete faith in his DIY skills and got back on the bus.

Stopped for dinner and swapped buses. We took the last two seats that were separated and less than desirable. Victoria couldn’t handle it anymore and wept to herself at the front of the bus. So tired and couldn’t sleep. Arrived at 1:30am and was whisked off to a guesthouse by a very rude tuk tuk driver who had learned the word ‘fuck’ and seemed to enjoy saying it, a lot.

Attempted to find a guesthouse with Adam and anna, a couple we met on the bus. First guesthouse, everyone was asleep and second guest house was a similar story but enough banging on the door from the tuktuk driver managed to wake someone.

We took the room. Victoria lay awake, eyes twitching, listening to the dogs barking, while Jeremy lay awake listening to Victoria weeping at the sound of the dogs barking.

Realised at midday that in our haze we had left the iPhone at dinner. Miraculously they returned it to us and laughed at us.

Back to bed.

Our boat man took us back to the mainland where we got a seriously ropey breakfast and a bus to the 4 thousand islands.

Got a second boat to Dong Kon with an Australian family that have been traveling round with their 6 & 8 year old for the last 2 years. Shouldn’t they be in school?

Walked up and down looking for accomodation and eventually cracked and went for the expensive one. Felt we deserved it after our homestay.

Dinner was interesting. 3 “happy” pizzas later we decided it was probably a mistake. We had already had quite a few beers and after eating one and a half pizzas each Victoria was talking complete tripe to someone in the restaurant while Jeremy was left to helplessly giggle like a little girl.

Man: how long have you been traveling for?
Victoria talks about her favourite country jeremy cries with laughter.
Man repeats question
Victoria talks about her second favourite country
Jeremy wets himself
Man gives up and asks something else.
Jeremy almost can’t stand

Time to go I feel.

Asked for two “lemon juices” at breakfast and were not shocked when two “mixed fruit shakes” appeared (always point to the menu, twice). They looked like breast milk and tasted like Yaks milk but Victoria was thirsty so they went down a treat.

Got our stuff and went to meet the boat man who was taking us over to the next island for a homestay or as Gordon eliquently put it, ‘a kip in a gaff’. We were worried that it was going to be touristy, no worries there. The boat man spoke zero English and was supposed to be taking us to a family home that would have us. He stopped on the other island and pointed at the ‘community lodge guesthouse’.
‘No we want home stay’
‘guest house?’
‘home stay’
pause
‘guest house?’

This went on for a bit then we followed him further inland and stopped at a house where he talked to some people for a bit. Again, no English. We were ushered to put our bags down and sit. Then charades started again, jeremy worked it out first, the man was going to go up there on his bike to see if he could find some one to take us in. We waited, watching the women of the family pick things out of eachothers hair.

He came back and put us in the house we were sat outside. Ok so either no one wants us or we got charades wrong. They have an ‘open floor’ plan and they set our ‘bed’ up by the stairs, behind the tv, opposite the master mat and round the corner from the kitchen, sweet. The whole thing was on stilts and was actually really nice. We went for a walk up the island in the sweltering heat, there was no breeze to be had, past some schools and back again in time for lunch.

Sticky rice, vegetables, omelette and spicy sauce was all washed down with, what we presume (by the smell) was roughly filtered river water.

The man of the house came back at lunch and spoke more English than anyone else (wasn’t hard to beat) but was still very limited. Coupled with some charades it was enough to communicate that he was the head (or a teacher, or perhaps just worked) at the local school.

Another walk after lunch in the opposite direction was also very nice and we stopped on the shady sandy river bank to nap (victoria) and write (jeremy).

Played cards and waited for dinner to be served at 7. Man of the house returned once again and joined us for cards. He attempted to teach us a game by gesturing and talking at us in Lao. We got it in the end, basically you put each one of your cards down one at a time and then he tells you who wins.

We took a bucket bath in the toilet hut out the back of the house, which again was suprisingly enjoyable and watched Lao vs Singapore at football in the SEA games. This was hysterical, it was like watching a school football match. The man of the house kept trying to explain that this was the first half and that there is another half to come, that it was 0-0 and that Lao and Singapore were playing. Not sure he realised football is quite big in the uk. But the best bit was the last 15 mins when each team did absolutely nothing. Singapore had the ball and passed it between the back three for 10 minutes. 0-0 both teams seemed ecstatic with their draw.

Sleeping under our mozzie bed now and the snoring from man of the house has died down so might get a good kip in.

First attempt at getting breakfast was unsuccessful,
Victoria: ‘can I get a coca cola please’
Blank
Victoria: ‘erm coke? Coca cola?’
Blank
Victoria: ‘there really isn’t any other way of saying it. I thought it was the second most said word in the world? Coca cola?’
Blank
Victoria: ‘ok I’ll help myself. (gets up and goes to fridge) Oh they have pepsi here’
Lao lady: ‘pepsi pepsi pepsi’

Jeremy: ‘can I get this (pointing at chicken fried rice on the menu)
Shakes head
Jeremy; ‘ok with beef then? Or pork?’
Shakes head
Jeremy: ‘can I get this then?’ (pointing at another dish)
Shakes head
Jeremy: ‘this? This? This? Anything in this menu?’
Lao lady shakes head, laughs and walks away.
Ok….

Second attempt in different restaurant included an omlette disguised as a plate of oil for jeremy and a plate of pig disguised as, well a plate of pig for victoria.

Checked into a guesthouse that didn’t smell like poop or have dodgy brown stains on the Walls and hired bikes to cycle to the Wat Phu 10km away.

Was a really nice ride, everyone was pleased to see us and said ‘Sabaidee’ ((hello) and not the Indian ‘hello come over here and give me a chance to rip you off’ but just the normal friendly ‘hi how’s it going’) impossible not to ride with a smile on your face.

The Wat looked very cool but we struggled to see how it was such a big attraction. Then we climbed up the steep very narrow steps to the top of the ruins. The view from the top was awesome. Everything else was flat, everywhere, apart from this hill we were standing on. You could look down upon the two lakes that had been dug next to the crumbling ruins and it was almost possible to imagine what it would have looked like a bajillion years ago.

Cycled back and had a beer. Realised that we only had 70,000 kip left for the evening (bank was closed) so rationed it out on two more beers and a curry each. We sat there watching the lizards, who were eating the huge swarm of mosquitoes, who in turn were eating us, who in turn were eating curry watching the lizards….. Aka we went home broke, full, eaten and lizarded out.

We boarded the flight along with a woman and her hen and were instantly hit by the smell of mouldy feet. Still we soon became accustomed to it and the flight was actually pretty good (made better by the leg room in the emergancy exit row).

Landed in Vientiane and watched everyone collect their cardboard boxes from the bagage collection convayer belt.

Walked out to the gates and got a tuktuk into town where we discovered that everywhere was pretty much full. Could have something to do with the SEA games that start here tomorrow. Found a room. However, at the same time we found a sleeper bus going to ‘Pakse’. We decided to leave Gordon here and get the bus south.

Had really good last meal together (no joke!) rinsing the free wifi that actually worked this time and went to catch the bus.

Met a Polish couple that were headed on the same bus as us and drank beer with them. This steadied the nerves as we had spied that our bed was part of the 5 across the back row. This was currently holding an old man and a crazy looking lady in a turban. However when we got on they moved (obviously just trying their luck) and we shared with two dykes from Switzerland instead. Slept with 2 lesbians and my girlfriend, tick.

We got round the corner and the bus broke down. Everyone off and everyone on the next bus. Pillows were a bit harder but apart from that it was a much nicer bus. Slept on and off.

The local bus was actually quite a lot of fun and eventful. We scraped down the side of a toyota 4×4 breaking some poor Loas guys heart (we have discovered how precious cars are to them, not to mention expensive.)

A woman also got on with a cardboard box of chicks and put them on the floor just in time for the next Laos woman to get on and step on them. chirp chirp CHIRP

Ok I lied, those were the only two things that happened, the other 5 hours were spent bumping up and down on a seriously dusty (heavily underconstruction) road. However the views were great, until it went dark.

Got a room and went to dinner. A waitress was nice enough to come over and help us count to 20 in Lao by saying it and writing the number on a peice of paper. We were left unable to count and with a peice of paper numbered 1-20 but it’s the thought that counts.

Had a nice snack of chicken feet. Well Victoria chickened out (no pun intended) but they were real nasty. You snap a finger off and then eat bone, cartalidge, skin and fat with possibly some meat. Not worth it!

Hammered it down the really smooth winding road towards the chinese border. When I say hammered, I mean Gordon reached 130, Jeremy 120 and Victoria 80 (km/h that is).

Stopped at a Cave to be walked around in the pitch black by some local that didn’t speak any English. Was hysterical, there were lights in the cave but apparently they were ‘boddie’ and we couldn’t go any further into the darkness because of the ‘nam’. But luckily we were each given torches. That didn’t work. All this may have had something to do with the tubing bracelet (instead of money) that Victoria offered to the cave gods in return for entry. Still, made it out in one piece just had to walk back past the place where victoria had accidentally had taken a runny poop on the side of the path. Damn those squits.

Stopped at a restaurant on the way back and played charades with a man in an attempt to get some food. We translated his actions as ‘i need to go and kill something over there so you can eat, but I need all the electricity in the village and her hair’ (pointing at victoria). Gordon continued to say chicken in Lao and victoria said other helpful things like ‘one word’, ‘movie’, ‘titanic?’ ‘how many syllables?’. It was clear we weren’t going to get anywhere and went on our merry way empty bellied leaving the man to paint.

On the way back Jeremy stopped to wait for Victoria, the same as yesterday. However, this time 15 mins past and there was still no sign of her. Jeremy started to ride back the way they had come getting increasingly more worried as the km’s past. 15k later he stopped to put his jumper on and decided that if she wasn’t in the next k or so she must have gone past already. Round the next corner was Victoria at the road side, no petrol! On the back of the bike to the nearest village (5k) and back with a mineral bottle of petrol that cost more than petrol in England. Was now pretty late and had damn hungry ride home on an empty belly.

Back in town we stuffed our faces big time, returned the bikes and arrange transport for tomorrow.

P.S.
Jeremy reckons that he figured out the charade on the way back, the man covered in paint was saying that the chef was in the field cutting stuff and would be back soon, but we’ll never know. Not sure what the hair stuff was about though.

Stopped at a village and stood around a strung up, freshly killed rat and discussed in our best Laos the potential roast rat lunch.

Further down the road we stopped to chat to a group of girls with big knives and baskets. The only word they knew was ‘money’, hmm. Gordon gave them a pair of scissors instead, they seemed quite happy. Meanwhile Victoria came round the corner on her scooter with two hitchhiking Lao children on the front. They thanked her and walked off into the bush.

Found a place to have lunch where an elderly lady came over trying to convince us to buy some bracelets. When it was clear we didn’t want any she changed tactics and produced some Opium. A real ‘me nans me dealer’ situation.

Up the road we turned off down a dirt track and eventually arrived at a village. Not the one we were looking for but was a remote village none the less. Went passed their ‘ghost gate’ with wooden guns attatched, we guessed/hoped this meant ‘leave your guns at the gate’ rather than the alternative translation, ‘death to all’.

Jeremy stopped on the way back to wait for Victoria to catch up. She eventually came around the corner very slowly and explained that she no longer had a back brake. Brilliant! Set off together riding really slowly, managed to make it all the way home where it transpired that victoria must have never had a back brake in the first place. (a big bolt was missing from her scooter). ‘No wonder it took me ages to stop’. Some might say she was lucky!

Got up 2 hours later to be taken to our bus. The van stopped outside ‘Joma’ to pick some more people up so we got another wicked breakfast in, can’t believe our luck.

Luck ran out, we arrived at the bus station to find our minivan fully packed. There clearly wasn’t any seats left but they convinced us that there should be four across the back row. Jeremy threw his bag onto the roof, the man wasn’t looking so it rolled off sideways, Jeremy stepped right to catch it and much to everyones delight fell down a hole.

Victoria is sat bent double next to Gordon in the cosy four seater back row. Jeremy has got the leg room but has traded this for sitting on what might as well be an assortment of metal polls. Let’s go!

Basically nothing else happens appart from switching seats and sitting on the floor for a bit.

Saw a car crash into a scooter when we stopped for lunch. Everyone huddled around but seemed to do nothing. Eventually picked up the two scooterers and put then into the back of a truck to (hopefully) take them to hospital.

Back enroute we wrote these blog posts while we weaved and bounced down, what is meant to be a main road in Laos, love it.

The sun had gone down and we’re 30 mins from arriving. Hungry man.

Cool room (in more ways than one, it’s freezing here!) spied some cheap bikes for tomorrow.